snobbery

i'm a snob.

this isn't the first time i've self-declared my snobbery. and it probably won't be the last either. i've realized that i'm very particular about certain things and the way those things are done. (lately pertaining to a wedding...) i'm not saying that my methods are far superior of others, just that i know what works in regards to some things and am confident in that knowledge.

i've been having an inner battle recently because i've realized the time and energy it takes to explain exactly what i want to someone could be better put to use by just doing it myself. while i am deeply appreciative of the help, i, being the snob that i am, would be less frustrated and less worried if i just did it myself.

this isn't a new thing for me, either. in high school and jr high, there are an abundance of group projects where you are forced to complete and assignment with 3-5 other people. most people love group work - it means less work for them because it is spread out among so many others. except me. i hate group work. for me, group projects meant i left part of my grade up to some one else. which wasn't ok with me. seeing as i held a good gpa (3.8 overall), i wasn't about to leave a large portion of my grade up to some lazy, selfish student who didn't do homework. no way. so more often than not, i would volunteer to do the group project myself. i knew it would be done correctly and on time. the time i would spend otherwise worrying about whether or not it was being done correctly, i spent on the project itself. and i always did well. i enjoyed the satisfaction of that 'A' at the top of the group sheet, as well as the voices of appreciation from the less grade-obsessive students in my group.

so its been something i've always had issues with. and i haven't had many problems with it, truth be told. its always worked out in my favor. until now. when i changed my ways and let the group project out of my hands.

i probably sound crazy, and i'll admit that i'm slightly obsessive compulsive, but lately i've just felt the stress that accompanies relying on others. people have different priorities and different time schedules. which is fine. i understand. but i have my priorities and my time schedule. and waiting on other people and compromising aren't my strong points.

so i reach the proverbial fork in the road. do i do things myself? or do i let others help me? do i step on toes to do exactly what i want? or do i settle on something i don't really like and spare feelings? hm... interesting dilemma. selfish vs appreciative... can i be both? can i appreciate the help, but be selfish about the result? good grief! i don't know what to do. i've begun to freak out about this. and i'm sure it will pass soon, but until it does, i'm stuck at the crossroads. i honestly don't know which is better. although the angel on my shoulder tells me feelings are more important. but i gotta say, i'm starting to lean towards the selfish devil looming on my shoulder. she's much more convincing at this point.