subject to change

life has a funny way of making up your mind. you can be so dead set on something one minute, and the next, its merely a fleeting thought you once considered. i'm not sure i understand it. it seems a little complex, actually. to have polar opposite thought processes concerning the same subject matter - how does that happen? what does it take to fully convince yourself of your opinion and stick with it?

last night i spent several hours with branson, jade, etc. before she left for the mtc.

sidenote: JADE OZAWA is the most fantastically phenomenal person i have ever met. she has recently become my hero (unbeknownst to her). and swiftly climbed up my fav five (which truth be told actually consists of more than 5. its more like the fav 5x5). we are the same height - that is neat. but this girl is so gracefully opinionated. and beautiful. whoever gets her for eternity is one blessed dude. and he better recognize. jade was called to serve a mission in taiwan. as a matter of fact, i am fairly positive in saying she is driving to the mtc right this very minute. she will be a marvelous missionary. those lucky asians.

part of why i find this all so intruiging is due to the fact that i have been going back and forth about a mission for two years. and as of tomorrow i have officially reached the age to go. january 10. 3 months before i turn 21. frightening. i have always wanted to serve a mission. and when i say always, i literally mean since i can remember. one of my earliest, most lucid memories is sitting in my ctr class in primary, my name pulled out of a jar, and picking "i hope they call me on a mission" as the song to sing. however, the pianist couldn't play the song. i was asked to pick another, but then immediately shut down that idea by volunteering to play it myself. i sat down at the piano in front of 20 or so other kids and proceeded to play, singing simultaneously to my hearts content:

i hope they call me on a mission

when i have grown a foot or two

i hope by then i will be ready

to teach and preach and work as missionaries do

i hope that i can share the gospel

with those who want to know the truth

i want to be a missionary

and serve and help the Lord while i am in my youth

the words penetrated my heart and i was dead set on it. anyone asked? my 21st birthday, i would celebrate by going to the mtc. and no one could stop me. or so i thought.

who knew that the one person to stop me would be myself? certainly not i. i am still not sure what exactly happened. but as the days approach, i get more and more nervous about it. leaving for 18 months in my current state of life would be the most difficult thing ever. not that i wouldn't be endlessly blessed for it. but i just can't bring myself to fully commit to going. which tells me quite loudly that its not right. now.

the thing about it is, life is subject to change. without notice. and there's nothing to be done to change that. it is what makes life exciting. change. things change every second of every day. weather. fads. thoughts. perceptions.

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so maybe in a year i will be serving somewhere. or perhaps i will be a student. or maybe i will be madly in love and planning a wedding.

life happens. i'm just waiting to see how.