i have officially broken my longest running promise to myself. when i was 14 i stated, nay declared, that if there wasn't a diamond ring on my finger or at least a conversation about said ring, i would turn in mission papers on january 10, 2008. it seemed so far away then.
so far it almost seemed to disappear into the distance of
the time space continuum. and yet, the day has arrived.
and i feel ominously overwhelmed.
overwhelmed because i don't know what i feel. i'm not completely at peace with the idea of going. but i'm not at war with it either. its the situation of good vs good. why is it a good thing opposed to a good thing? if it were a good thing opposed to a bad thing, my decision would be made up. but the answer to prayer thus far has been,
"whatever you choose will be right".
how upsetting of an answer is that.
i know that whatever i choose will be fine
and i will be successful either way.
i just wish i had more direction in that decision.
lets be honest... i would be an adorable missionary with adorable missionary dresses and adorable missionary shoes... i know. and i would love it. and i would be great at it. i've even already written an outline of what i would say in my farewell talk. and i'll tell you what... its good. however, leaving for 18 months to serve is such a hard concept for me to grasp right now. leaving... even thinking about
that word gets me a little choked up.
but the blessings that would come from it would be
but as of now i can go. anytime. i'm old enough.
the decision only waits on me now. no one else.
so far it almost seemed to disappear into the distance of
the time space continuum. and yet, the day has arrived.
and i feel ominously overwhelmed.
overwhelmed because i don't know what i feel. i'm not completely at peace with the idea of going. but i'm not at war with it either. its the situation of good vs good. why is it a good thing opposed to a good thing? if it were a good thing opposed to a bad thing, my decision would be made up. but the answer to prayer thus far has been,
"whatever you choose will be right".
how upsetting of an answer is that.
i know that whatever i choose will be fine
and i will be successful either way.
i just wish i had more direction in that decision.
lets be honest... i would be an adorable missionary with adorable missionary dresses and adorable missionary shoes... i know. and i would love it. and i would be great at it. i've even already written an outline of what i would say in my farewell talk. and i'll tell you what... its good. however, leaving for 18 months to serve is such a hard concept for me to grasp right now. leaving... even thinking about
that word gets me a little choked up.
but the blessings that would come from it would be
absolutely and utterly magnificent!
i can't even imagine how magnificent they would be.but as of now i can go. anytime. i'm old enough.
the decision only waits on me now. no one else.
1 comment:
Well, I am not the best person to comment on this because I am incredibly selfish and don't want to imagine my life for the next 18 months without being able to pick up the phone and tell you the random thoughts in my head. So, I was very selfishly glad when you called to tell me that you hadn't turned them in by this date.
On the other side, I totally agree with you that it would absolutely be a wonderful experience, providing you fantastic opportunities like nothing else could.
As a side note, I was similar to you and had decided I was going no matter what when I turned 21. But, when I was 20, my Alex was baptized and by the time I was 21 we decided to get married so it no longer made sense for me to go. But, I always thought I would have made a good missionary (of course, I was much less cynical then so it made sense...ha, ha, ha).
I know you'll make the right decision either way. We love you.
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